Stop Fearing Confrontation And Connect With Love- Stop Fighting Now.
If your core value is connection, then confrontation is something you probably hate and wish could be quickly transformed into connection and love. This is possible. The first step to quickly transform tense confrontation into connection and love is to :
Stop. Don’t say anything!
That’s right, just stop and listen. If you are committed to connection, then the first step is to focus on what they are saying to you, regardless whether it is true or not.
Often when someone is verbally blaming, judging or criticizing you, your brain automatically goes into defense mode. But unless you are in physical danger, that does not serve you. Your defense instinct to fight, flight or freeze, doesn’t resolve conflict nor encourage connection and love. So you have over-ride this instinct and instead, listen.
Whatever they are telling you, it is only a story – their story. And even though it’s real and true to them, you don’t have to take it personally or as the truth. It’s simply their story and it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them.
Even when your blood is rising and you KNOW they have it all wrong – and you are chomping at the bit to correct them, resist the temptation, pretend you are completely mute. Shut up! Just listen and stay still. Yes I know, it’s easier said than done. So here are some ideas to help you keep a lid on it and listen attentively.
4 Ideas to help you “Stop and shut up!”
1. Stand or sit straight. Turn toward the person speaking to you and place your feet comfortably on the floor, soles down and shoulder-width apart. Sit or stand straight and relax your shoulders. If your skin is crawling from their outburst, imagine an invisible shield between you and them that effectively reflects their energy back at them.
Since you cannot control what they are saying, or how they are saying it, you can have control over your response. Emotional intelligence is at it’s highest when you are able to stay calm and listen. So becoming physically centered and balanced helps your body to stay calm and and not react. Just keep remembering this is their story, not necessarily the truth.
2. Look directly into their eyes with curiousity. Look gently but firmly into their eyes to connect with them. Look with curiousity rather than aggression or judgement. This expands your own mind and awareness beyond their words or the situation. What colour are their eyes? How white are the whites? Are there any specks? How about the shape and the eyelashes?
3. Breath deeply. Breath into your belly and relax your shoulders and neck as you continue to listen.
4. Repeat what you heard them say and ask if you got it right. If they pause, just repeat back what they said. If they said, “You were totally rude and have no right to talk like that to me!” Then respond with, “So what I hear you say is that I was totally rude and had no right to talk to you that way. Did I get that right? Is there more?”
By mirroring their words back to them they will feel heard and less defensive.
Stopping and listening creates a foundation that you can build upon. At the end, when they have shared everything on their mind, there are several things you can say that will help to restore your connection and love.